temet nosce

I got into a funny conversation with Steph about marriage (of all things) earlier. I have a friend who lives in Minnesota and we were chatting the other day - the gist of the conversation was that since I'm going to Syracuse, and potentially staying for a while, and applying to work at S.U., I would be getting free tuition. I joked that it'd be convenient for her to just marry me and move in with me so she could take advantage of the free tuition (in the event that I do stay in Syracuse and that I'm working at S.U.).

Steph exploded when I told her about this, revealing much more than I think she intended. "You can't just marry someone for convenience! That's completely the wrong reason to get married! What are you, retarded?" Apparently Steph still believes that people should only get married if they're in love. I think that's pretty amusing, personally, just because it doesn't seem to be that common a view among the 20+ crowd that we're going to be joining this year.

Would I actually marry someone for convenience? I don't know. Would I do it just for sex? Nah. Would I do it for the convenience of a lower insurance premium? Probably not. But would I do it if I knew that it was someone who would put up with me and keep me company so I wouldn't have to be alone? That's the one I'm not really too sure about. I hate being alone. I mean, I don't mind being left alone for a while if I'm busy doing something important but I just don't enjoy being single.

Part of the problem, I think, is that I'm not nearly as confident as Steph is that I'm going to find that special someone. I mean, I don't think I'm quite troll-like (well, as long as I shower and shave, that is), but I'm not going to be featured on the cover of GQ anytime soon, and it's not like I go clubbing or anything. Not that I'd necessarily want to date anybody that I might meet clubbing - that whole idea scares me. But I'm not that attractive and I'm not that social, and most of the women I'm interested in aren't interested back. The few that I've dated that have been interested in me for me have ended up cheating on me (or wanting to and thus ending the relationship) so I don't really feel quite so self-confident anymore. Am I self-doubting? No, because I think the whole concept of self-doubt involves insecurity and questioning things, while I'm fairly sure of my lesser qualities. I also think that's one of the reasons I get a kick out of helping people - I feel better about myself when I know that I'm having a positive effect on others. Which, I think, also explains my whole knight-in-shining-armor complex.

Felt kind of weird to realize that I'm the friend Steph calls when she's got "alone time" while she's up in Idaho. Yeah, definitely weird.